i was
stuck. in the side for a very good long time until the
blood flowed out. an unfamiliar feeling came over me.
never have i ever had such a cylindrical shape pierce my skin like
that before. Wincing as the cold hermetically sterilized
steel breached the surface of my skin the muscles in my arm tensed
on impulse. on the thought of something sharp harming
my person is alarming, i can’t help but lose sensory control
of myself and defend on instinct.
….
that is
always the worst part. the feeling that you get when
something potentially bad is about to happen even under
the most ordinary circumstances. similar to that
feeling of déjà vu you get when some unfortunate
thing is about to happen, and yet, then never does.
although, the prospects seem daunting, sometimes i
am disappointed when that horrible thing
you expect is going to happen, well, doesn’t.
In which case, having realized it, things immediately
turn out for the better. it makes you wonder what it was.
however, it never ceases to make me uneasy afterwards.
though, that is, until a short while longer the dreaded
feeling that rushed over me so unexpectedly washes away much
like the way waves returning to sea as the tide wanes with the
pull of the moon and moves out.
if i think about
it too much it does not go away unless i forget about
it as i am beginning to focus on something else
otherwise. it is times like those that i should hope
that i am most conscious of anyways because, to me it seems as
though there is something that i am missing. something
that is trying very hard to make itself known but i have a
hard time putting my finger on the tip of my tong to
draw this rise of consciousness out from the depths of my
psyche into the open for further scrutiny. more often than
not penetrating the unconscious, in such a way in order to extract
an enigmatic epiphany from the thousand leagues beneath the
surface of that which is my “self,” is a task that proves a
most difficult.
on other more intricate occasions, i am
sure are very complex, there exists a series of fortunate
circumstances that rarely make this process really quite
simple for us. except for me; as of this moment, and that of
those many ones remaining throughout the duration in the length of
the rest of my life. very seldom do they ever seem to make
themselves known without much effort on my part, or, i suppose,
sometimes little effort at all. until these few moments in
my life happen, i can only hope that i will recognize them when
they present themselves.
….
then, almost without
even thinking, i couldn’t help but cringe as the professionals
performed the procedure as they had explained it to me. it
wouldn’t be long before i would see a red fluidic
substance wend its way down through the delicate plastic tube
designed for it. now; it was through, i was
through, no… it was through me. I let it bleed so
that others may live, strange, i hope this matter reaches
them.
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